I'm worried of the impact my career change will have on my wife and family

ShiftDoctor answer

By Jessica McGrego... on 4 December 2007 at 21:55

The word that sticks out most for me in everything you have written is ‘dream'. Everyone I know and work with is looking for the dream and so if yours has presented itself to you then grab it with both hands. To do that you obviously need to address some issues, but this is possible and asks for creative thinking on your and your wife's part.

I want to address your last point first because if your wife feels challenged by your move then you will have trouble acting on this as the team you need to be.

It is challenging when our partner changes the goal posts, no doubt about it. However it is often more challenging in our mind than in actual reality.

Change by its very nature is scary. There is always an element of us that likes to maintain the status quo, even if we know intellectually that the change could be good for us or someone we love. So, acknowledge that the idea of this change is scary, but also that anything that is scary can be dealt with through knowledge.

Fear (the stronger term of scary) is False Evidence Acting as Real, or as I heard today Fantasy Experiences Acting as Real. In other words what we fear is often that we think will happen as opposed to what we know will happen.

So, step one would be to acknowledge the fear and address it as honestly and creatively as you can. Sure it means change, but that isn't necessarily bad. Explore what 'the two of you no longer working for the same company' could mean for your wife, both positive and negative. Maybe there are actually some advantages in there for her, perhaps she can see herself in a different light than when you worked together. It could also be that she has some demons to face that, although not necessarily fun, could be beneficial and, when faced, would help her progress and feel more fulfilled too. You can never totally predict what an outcome will be, but you can explore all the ideas you come up with and that exploration often quells the fear. Collectively, change can feel overwhelming, looking at the aspects one by one we begin to see that in fact we can handle whatever comes along.

For example, look at what working together in the same company gives you both. What do you see as the advantages, why does it feel so important? Make a note of everything that you'd feel you'd miss. Now ask yourself (and put in the creative hat on here) how can we create that or something similar that fills the gap if you move to this dream position? We often have tunnel vision and think we can only achieve the same outcome by one method. That's not true, there are often many routes up a mountain, you just need to step back a bit and see the paths.

Same goes for the situation with the family. As you identified, it is not ideal that you would be away for a lot of the week so how can you compensate in the time available? What support does your wife need if you are not going to be there every day? How can you help by taking some of the strain off her, even if it means bringing in outside help? Be creative when looking at family. As you said it would only be for 1 - 2 years. How can you create a way through this with the least strain? Do these ideas then make it feel ok to move forward? It is a process of weighing the pros and cons, being creative and putting things in place to create the best outcome. Then check in for regrets.

We all have a personal journey in life which includes obstacles as well as the success stories. We are supposed to meet both as we journey along. Dream opportunities come because we need new horizons to go for, new challenges to meet, we are ready for them. There are no guarantees, but the one question I ask all my clients when faced with the ‘shall I - shan't I?' dilemma is; "Will you regret not doing it?" Regret is one of the most insidious emotions we can harbour. It eats away at us and can often be turned and pointed at someone else. We can start to blame another for not doing something and not only does that destroy relationships, but can turn us into feeling a victim. If you feel you will regret not giving this your best shot then find the way forward that deals with the obstacles.

Whenever we move forward in our lives obstacles always show their face, things to overcome; be they financial, family, the feeling of risk and many more. The thing to remember is that when the obstacles appear you need to cheer, they are the pointers that you are on the right track, you are moving forward. Each obstacle is like a rock in the road, you need to move it out of the way. Pick it up, look underneath it and if you need to address what's underneath then do so. Sometimes there is nothing underneath, it was just a construct of your mind. You can throw that one to the side of the road with ease.

As we take risks and live life to the full we get back in touch with the joy within - something that your current job doesn't sound like it will give you in the future. That joy within is where you are most effective. When you live that joy you empower others (including your wife) to live it too. Yes it has risks. Yes you may not be financially as well off for a while. The question is, do you wish to live life on full power? I am reminded of a client who took the risk and went for the dream with many of the same trepidations as you. He said to me a year after taking the step that although it had been tough and he had had to meet many challenges he was so glad he took the risk, went for the dream. Not only had he been challenged and had grown personally and professionally beyond his expectations, but his partner had flourished in the light of his happiness, had been drawn forward by his fulfilment.

Only you and your wife know all the personal circumstances of this decision but if I were working with you through on this question I would wholeheartedly encourage you to explore every avenue, every possibility and be ultra creative in finding the way forward to follow the dream. After all, that's what dreams are for.

Jessica offers a free introductory session to discuss how she can help you make the move you want; if you would like to arrange a time for her to call you please email her at jessica@jessicamcgregorjohnson.com or call +34 958 639 593. For more information visit http://www.jessicamcgregorjohnson.com/

She lives in southern Spain and works internationally as a Life Coach enabling people to follow their dream and gain fulfilment in every area of life. She has worked with many career shifters and particularly enjoys using her own life experience, including her time in the corporate world, to support those making whatever move they choose.